Mid 2013

Things change. People change.

I've heard first hand real life stories of friends being molested, family murders, kidnaps, freak accidents, cheating partners, abandonment and so many more crazy stuff going on in life. I watch Crime Investigation every single day and I know these things do happen, but rationalized that these documentaries were compiled throughout the span of last 20 years. It was really hard to believe to find out that these similar crazy CI stories actually happened to people around me, people I really know.

I am very blessed with where I am right now, and very grateful for everything - at least trying to remind myself every single day about awesome details in my life.

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I decided to keep loving a person who may never love me back. The same person who decided that he does not need me in his life.. Decided to walk out on me forever, in so to get his life back. It was unbearable, but I stick through it to look at things positively. Definitely someday there will be an answer to this. But I believe anything that happens along the way is always for the better, no matter which way it would end.

I have settled in staying alone, apart from my family for the 8th month now. It's different when you are living alone abroad, and when you're living alone locally, driving distance from where your parents are. I find it much easier abroad though. Never put too much thought to why so. However, things did improve overall without me around. I was a ticking bomb back in those days. My parents were very worried about me exploding, tearing the family apart. Some things really need not be said, told or questioned. Really. They will work their way out eventually. No point harping on issues.

I have great friendships that I have developed from schooling years. I am not a person with great words, good gifts and pleasant surprises. I never initiated anything but I had friends who understood me and kept me in the loop all these years. Its a shame how some friendship had unpleasant series of text messages which in the end, created a permanent fallout / distance. I realized I shouldn't be upset for too long when they decided I was not good enough for them in their lives. However heartbroken I am, I know people where their parents have walked out on them. And these kids never stopped loving them. If there's so much to hate about me just being a friend, I guess it's only best for them to let go. 

I was reminded some time last month, that hatred does not hurt anyone else but yourself. Does not tire anyone else but yourself. I was very relieved after reading that text. And that was when I took the whole break up crap the right way. In my last relationship (a very special and different one), it has disengaged me from arguments (all kinds) and I begin to hate arguing so much. Hate reasoning things and avoid angry talks as much as I can - because I talk out of spite. Good life lesson learned. Now, I may sound like I just want to simplify things and get over and done with it. But if that person knows me well enough and see me grow, my intentions would be very clear.

As much as I dislike entertaining clients, I constantly remind myself to stay true to my passion. I have hit my mid year sales target before the mid year ended! Seems pretty awesome and I hope things will slowly climb it's way up, cos to me, a steady climb promises a stronger foundation. I've been careful and slow with decisions, sometimes it really pisses my business and working partners off. But I thank you all so much for putting up with me until today. Without all of you, I will be nowhere near this. I can't wait to break the record again by the end of 2013! *motivated*

I did not cook or clean to impress - I have proven answers for that. Although I wish I could do all these for a lifelong partner I love. I personally like / enjoy things my way. I realized I am quite petty with cleanliness (still working on messiness). I'm not so assy that I need to mop my house twice a day but I have to do it at least once a week. I am very irritated with water drops and hair on my floor. I spot clean on every other day - window, mirror, floor tiles. Now that the girls are with me, they brought so much life into the house! And footprints too lol! I actually get off work earlier some days to commit to house cleaning. And I still love cooking even when it's only for myself (working on presentation and taste though haha).

Up to this point, life is being good and fair. To those people who chose to walk out of my life.. To those who wanted me out of their life.. I love you all the same. I may have done something that made you all love me not the same anymore. I can't reverse that, but I know I'm working towards to be a better "me".

**To my late grandma, I miss you. I still cry today because I was too late and didn't get to say goodbye to you. You have strengthened me about what love and good relationships should all be about.**

Skin Doctor Perfect Pout Serum Lip Plumper Review

Ever since in high school, the disciplinary teacher would always pull me to a corner questioning me if I've been smoking. I always gave the same wtf face and he would say, "young lady, don't think you can cheat me alright. Your lips are dark!" =___= I didn't gave much thought to it. I was the darkest Chinese in school anyway.. pfft.. Oh btw, I really wasn't smoking then. :/

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College days in Melbourne was fun! Jargs and I spent countless weekends at Myers and I remember that was the first time I tried on a lip plumper - she asked me to please please give it a try. I asked why didn't she try it, she said she had something else on. It started burning and Jargs laughed at me, saying "only older women need this! Cos apparently it plumps up the wrinkles! Hhahaha!" Yes, it's totally a joke pulled on me. We were that young to even mention "older women" lol. I never forgot that sensation because it left my upper lip perspiring.

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image from google.com

Couple of months ago I had "dark lips" comment from YM. It's totally a different thing coming from someone you like. I will never want to live by this comment again (in high hope) so I thought maybe it's really because I didn't take care of them at all. What's MYR119 (i think so) for sexier lips right?

THE BOX CLAIMS : 

Scientifically shown to immediate results:

Dramatically increase the appearance of lip volume and contour 

My say : very slightly

Naturally flush lips for noticeable enhanced colour

My say : yes it gives a very natural flush

Work on both the upper and lower lip profile

My say : Not really

In just 30 days with twice daily use: 

Increase lip volume up to 18%

My say : my lips look pretty much the same

Improves lip moisturisation and smoothness

My say : It does, but many other lips balms, gloss, smackers can do a better job. The result felt too subtle

Reduces lip creasing/creping for fuller, rosier, plumper lips

My say : nothing fuller or plumper, but it does look much rosier even when I didn't apply the serum for days

more about the serum....

TEXTURE : clear and sticky. I hated it at first. It wasn't any usual lip gloss sticky. It was SUGAR sticky. It's like eating lollipop without licking your lips. It's fine to be used alone, but I feel it pairing better with a balm. I don't wanna risk using my Chanel lippies over this because it's just too sugary sticky. So afraid it gets ruined and start smelling weird??

TASTE : Well, that super spicy lip plumper I tried when I was muchhhh younger tasted minty. I was expecting this to taste pretty much the same. This tasted like PEPPER! :/ Awkward. I only started getting used to the taste after using it over a month.

SENSATION : It didn't burn like how some other reviews mentioned. There's just a slight tingling sensation that didn't create perspiration over my upper lip lol!! After a good 3 weeks, I was a little immune to the tingling sensation that I could feel it no more after a quick 10 minutes?

I read one other review that this serum lasted for a year. I guess it could do at least 6 months, as you don't need much of it per application.

Results were better when I exfoliated, slept with a thick, moisturizing balm, and applied this serum at least once a day. 

Repurchase? I don't know. I'm expecting some magic thing to happen. The only thing that I'm still clinging on to using it is because it gave me a natural flush that seems to work from inside of my skin. Does lip plumpers really work??.. Please share if you have ever tried anything awesome :)

OK, no picture of my lips, only of my cute little nephew and me! (new haircut!) 

it bothers me...

*forgive me, I need to lash this all out. Don't read if you are tired of my heartbreaking shit LOL*

1... when I turn into the junction of my house. My neighbour bought a new truck. It never failed to excite me for that 2 seconds, thinking you actually came home. How stupid.

2... when my other neighbour comes home. I always wish I will get home last, but many times he come home about an hour later that I would. His truck-like roaring Ford engine annoys me, as it made me think you're back home.. again. 

3... when it's time to sleep. I spent the first two weeks sleeping on my couch, because I was in denial to face incredible silence and emptiness in the bedroom. I was so worn out by the third week, I knew I had to accept this whole shit. I spent nights crying, forcing myself to get used to it. I still feel sad now, still cry sometimes. 

4... with the side I'm sleeping now on the bed. I took over your side. You might think I'm insane as to how such little thing can affect me.. but it does. Sleeping on my own side made me feel sick about the truth that you're never coming back. Sleeping on your side does bother me to an extent, because I don't want to get used to it. I won't lie about how much I want to reverse things.

5... when I don't get to see you. It bothers me til late, thinking of how are you doing that day. 

6... when my Mum worries over me. I know she cares. I don't hate it. I just hate to break down in front of her. Every time she show signs of getting worried over me, I blame myself for not being strong enough to make her trust that I can and am coping fine.

7... when you text formal with me. I don't like it. I miss the old you much. 

8... when I can't send goodnight messages. To me, it's way over the line to do so now, because you already told me you really wish things would end for good between us. I don't know how much you mean it. I hate that line very much. Do you seriously mean that?  

9... when I can't stop spending hours figuring out what the fuck is so important about mutual understanding. From what I know, it doesn't come easily. It takes months, years. But why is it even a burden trying to improve this mutual understanding? There is not a single person who understands you better than yourself. Sometimes you won't even understand yourself!! So why is this even a fallback reason to be placed on the table? Yes, it's quite sad when the person you love don't realise what you want most, but to make things better -- communicate! The sadness is not even something to consider ending things! It's more like tiny-small-fart-getting-upset-until-you-come-hug-me kind of upset!! Why does it irk you when the person you love lacks just a little small gesture she missed which automatically would be related to "no mutual understanding at all"? Who is there to tell who doesn't understand who as much as who? Who has the rights to judge who doesn't know much about who and who knows better than who??! *inhale........* excuse me.. I'm losing control over this. 

10... when I dream good endings with you. I wake up feeling terrible cos you crushed that with a one liner. 

11... when it's time to leave my friends / Mum's home. Yes I really enjoy company , not being fake-happy about it at all. But my heart race a little faster as the time draws closer to the end of the nice get-together with Mum and with friends. Not like I'm afraid of being alone. Not that anymore. I'm just afraid I get too drowned about missing you when I have alone time. 

12... when I can't tell you everything I know. I don't understand why when I said "I wanna spend time talking to you" it made you imagine conversations that will bring stress. Why can't it be casual talks, just like how you casually showed me your friend's picture a few days ago, doing silly stuff and etc? Why did you end up thinking "talking" means discussing about us? WHAT build your tension against me? Because we never really got to good, comfortable pillow-talking in the longest time, there's alot about me you didn't know, the plans I have, the things I aim to achieve together, the family I want in our lives..  

13... now that work is working out close to perfect. Whatever I have been planning to do since many many months ago, it's only taking its shape now. It bothers me because it would prolly make you agree better with your decision, that calling things off had improved things tremendously. Things were already growing, improving.. very steady and slowly. But you didn't stick to believing in us long enough to see this come through.... I can't imagine how good this feels if we breakthrough the struggle still being together.. 

14... that I am feeling better day after day. I feel more confident, I am healing -- week after week. Because I believe in myself. I believe in love. I believe there's hope. So if I choose to stick to what I believe despite all of these changes, am I being positive or am I simply lying to myself?

I have mind-fucked myself so much these days I can shut my brain down almost immediately. I can be so super obsessed with my emails, my body, my weight, my dressing, my house cleanliness. And then suddenly it all comes avalanche-ing in, asking myself if I am really doing the right thing.. 

Something I need to find out myself.. 

OK THE NEXT POST IS A PRODUCT REVIEW POST I SWEAR!

28 things I know at 28

I am drafting this past midnight of April Fool's Day. Thinking I would need some time to gather 28 things I know by the time I turn 28 haha. Here's last year's 27 things I know at 27. Let's see how long I need to post this up. 12 days to my birthday ho ho ho! 

1:32AM 2/4/2013

1. I was afraid of living alone, but I know I can do better than that now. Much more to be better at, but of course it was always better with you around. I really miss you..

2. There's different detergent to use for a FRONT LOAD WASHING MACHINE!! I spent half an hour wondering why the hell did EVERY detergent mention "TOP LOAD" on it. Turns out front load need lower suds detergent to rinse better because of its cycle position. How un-bimbo is that huh lol.

3. I manage my stress and temper so much better now, I actually don't get angry at every offensive comment shot at me. I blew up a couple of times though BUT! without shouting at all. Awesome possum.

4. I no longer have crazy cravings. Can you believe it! I practically eat for the sake of completing a meal for the day or only because I am hungry and it's time to eat. Getting old or getting sad?

5. How to do laundry the right way! Yes I have an expensive digital functioning washing machine, which can do the job right with just one button -- but you can still screw laundry up with technology you know.. I'm serious.

6. I learn a little bit more about pasta making (thanks Jargs) and Chinese cooking! Such as blanching pork meat to rid the disgusting smelly porky stench lol!

7. To love is to let go. Enough said.

1:49AM 2/4/2013

ok I can't think anymore. my heart's breaking. good night. xoxo

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5:34PM 16/4/2013

YM packed up and left for good on the 12th. The previous weeks were very tough without him. It's gotten worse now that I have to get use to it, for real :(

8. Guys are complicating. Not referring to just one person, but I've paid enough attention to find more than a handful complicating. It's not just US!!

9. I need to focus on myself more than I do on my partner! I care about my partner's feelings more than my own. And that leads to....

10. Need to stay off from being attached for at least a year. The fact that I have been dependent on someone all my life, I have never spent as long as one year being single. I ended up being very afraid of that creepy singlehood emptiness when I go to bed at night. I think I need to space out and...

11. Find out what the fuck I want in my life. I practically give my everything to people I love. Sort of ignored myself for too long.

12. Time to make big money. Well. it's something I know all my years of working life, but I think this year will be it. Now or never. We have finally completed the 5 year struggle phase.

13. The feeling of not having a single candle to blow on my birthday sucks. This is my first year without any candles. No I don't want to outgrow the old fashion thing about cakes and candles! It's important! Because I had no candles, I made no wish T.T Anyway, I was too heartbroken to ask for one.. Otherwise I would've made so much noise.. (I requested for a Wondermilk Lola Cake for my birthday but nobody remembered :( )

14. I don't know shit about politics and I will never want to know. Friends gasp really loud when I said I'm not a registered voter. I'll just not complain. Ok? 

15. I finally stopped watching cartoons. Not even spongebob. Quite sad right? But I still watch animated movies. Wreck It Ralph!!

16. I haven't lost the weight I complained about for the last 3 years. FTS.. I need to make this happen before I turn 30!

17. Secret to losing weight: drink water. Not kidding. Talking about 3L a day ok. Water comes BEFORE the exercise. I consume caffeine more than water, that's why I haven't achieved what I want for so long. Just additional info, you know caffeine curbs your body fat and create super hard cellulite right? *squeezing own thighs*

18. I love dramas. Both Hong Kong and Korean. I often thought I was watching it because it's coming on at that hour. BUT NO.... I will sacrifice my sleep for them..

19. I'm sometimes anal about chronology... On days I feel good. 

20. Other times I really don't care at all. Don't ask me why. One reason why I don't really blame YM for getting angry with me at work and at home sometimes.. :( It's a problem.

21. I'm still fuckin stubborn. If I ever have 20 people telling me something that goes against my gut feeling, I won't change my mind. *Dear God, please let me be right, just once..* 

22. I rehearse conversations, and they save me from getting into fights. As stupid as it sounds, I have been doing that really often for the past year. I don't know what sort of caution level I adapted to, so much so that I will say out loud things people made me angry over - YM, my client, my family or just anyone else. Repeating my points (usually when I'm driving alone) somehow made 9 out of 10 points seem no big deal to get angry over anymore by the end of the drive. 

23. When a car battery dies, there's no prompting signal on dashboard. After 11 years of driving. Lol.. I'm curious if a very expensive car will get a prompting signal? 

24. I have new permanent wrinkles on both my eye-bags. :( trying to be hardworking with eye serums and creams, but it doesn't seem to reverse anything. 

25. I hate full face sheet masks. I have been trying to get used to using it for years. But I suddenly discovered I hate using it so much, I will not touch my drawer full of it ever again. Feel free to come by and take it away, friends.

26. Parsley,celery and bitter gourd is actually pretty tasty. I only started eating these when I saw YM eating them last year. My taste buds changed perception on these green stuff. Just how much a person can influence.. : / I've seen my Mum eating them all my life and all I ever said was "disgusting".  

27. I am losing a lot of hair. I am still thinking it over, if cutting my hair short will save me from lesser loss? I kinda like my not-so-long hair still... 

Last but not least..

28. I miss you like fuck. Random enough, but you left me missing you way before I turn 28, until for a long time to come possibly. I want to look back at this one day and find out if it was all worthwhile. I'll leave the rest to fate...

♥And I'm finally done! ♥

8:58PM 16/4/2013 

--- Although it was the worst feeling I've had for a birthday, my friends were there for me and I feel very blessed :) So what are the 20-something things you know at 20-something? ---

*I took exactly 14 days of thinking to put up this post. Nice.*

dear boyfriend,

Right from the start, you were a thief

You stole my heart and I, your willing victim,

I let you see the parts of me that weren't all that pretty

And with every touch you fixed them

Now you've been talking in your sleep oh oh

Things you never say to me oh oh

Tell me that you've had enough of our love, our love

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough

Just a second we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts

We're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

I'm sorry I don't understand where all of this is coming from
I thought that we were fine (Oh we had everything)

Your head is running wild again, my dear we still have everythin'

And it's all in your mind (Yeah but this is happenin')

You've been havin' real bad dreams oh oh

You used to lie so close to me oh oh

There's nothing more than empty sheets

Between our love, our love

Oh our love, our love

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

I never stopped, you're still written in the scars on my heart

You're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

Oh tear ducts and rust, I'll fix it for us
We're collecting dust but our love's enough

You're holding it in, you're pouring a drink

No nothing is as bad as it seems

We'll come clean

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts

We're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

Just give me a reason, just a little bit's enough
Just a second we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

It's in the stars, it's been written in the scars on our hearts

That we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

Oh, we can learn to love again

Oh, we can learn to love again

That we're not broken just bent

And we can learn to love again

bifesta cleansing lotion review

I am quite a bum when it comes to face care regime. I try to look for the simplest and easiest way - of course throughout this search I have eliminated many unsuccessful products on my skin. Now one most important thing to do - double cleansing's got to be done the right way, cos if its not, it doesn't really matter what you slap on your skin next. 

image from google

No, I haven't been double cleansing because I don't use foundation anymore. I relied on my toner to remove the final grim on my face, but I still feel not entirely clean enough. 

I quite like the idea of cleansing lotion, or some call it cleansing water, and I have used Darphin and Chanel - both I love very much. The prices are pretty steep though (MYR2-300ish? Somewhere there), but on my skin, both are really gentle and for tired, non make up days, I really could just pull off with the cleansing lotion and off to bed! I don't do that often but there are those days... u know.. bad argument with the bf and etc.  

I stopped using them (was planning on alternating both brands cos I love them so much!) because I had just too much other stuff to clear and honestly, for the retail prices they are going at, I could do without them for awhile as most toners could just do the same.

The other day I came across Bifesta at Sasa! I don't know what this brand is about, so I immediately googled reviews on this. Not too bad for MYR34.90. It's available in 3 options - Age, Sebum and Normal.

How to use : just soak up a cotton pad (2 pumps for me) and wipe skin clean. Repeat the step until cotton pad is clear.  On heavier make up days, totally relying on using this to clean would need 3 cotton pads. Light make up days, totally relying on this to clean need 2 cotton pads. Using it for double cleanse, just one. This also show how efficient is your first cleanser! haha!

i got the sebum for combination and oily skin! (image from google)

Compared to Darphin and Chanel, this gave an "after layer". The previous brands gave me super clean skin - soft and supple without any dryness, without any sticky residue, even hours after cleansing. This does clean pretty well but it does leave you feeling like you have applied something on your skin already - rather than strip clean. I won't consider it a bad thing. For the price it's retailing at - a steal! I did a risky experiment to first use it like how I confidently use the other two brands. 

Soaked a couple of cottons to clean up, andd off to bed. I woke to up trouble free skin, and not even a sign of dryness! It claims to help with shrinking pores, so hopefully it really does after using it for awhile :)

I usually use cleansing lotion / water after my usual foam / gel to milk cleanser. (I'll use whichever when I feel like it)

Just an additional, none of these cleansing lotion / water can remove water proof mascara. They too have difficulties removing the ever lasting Bobby Brown gel eyeliner. Best to have a separate eye make up remover! Apart from those, all other eye make up could be removed easily. The only reason to include this in your regime is only because you are just like me, slacking even at double cleansing lol.

Would I repurchase this? I think this just became my third alternate option :D

My Valentine 14-17 feb 2013

While this was supposed to be a full post, I think I'll just keep it word short and have pictures bring me back to what it was all about.. [location : tioman island]

i missed you for a few days

good, fresh air after a very bad ferry ride

what i lookout to every day

the cooling aid paired with cold wind

the only sunset i saw throughout the rainy season

first walk

chalets down the island

the walk at the jetty

silly selca moment

the  "heartbroken" view

spent half my time here hehe

avatar!! 

big shell (acting "jakun")

bbq lobsters

rain at the beach actually feels romantic

What turns out to be good to you does not really happen the same way to the other. So ironic.

This getaway was good. Cleared up my mind a little bit more about life, you and everything else.

**On a side note, the message coming in yesterday that struck me cold was.. "don't you think you have been sitting on the fence for too long?" How long more before we get over this mess?